From March 22, 2010

When I heard that Alex Chilton died last Wednesday, I didn't play his music. I didn't nod mournfully over "September Gurls." I didn't light a candle and meditate to "Thank You Friends." I didn't pillage the Big Star catalog searching for answers or epitaphs. For the first time since the first time I heard Alex Chilton, I didn't want his music. Instead, I half-watched a British Office episode and turned out the lights.

Alex Chilton spent his musical life testing the limits of his enormous gifts and the patience of his devoted fans. He was a conflicted artist, equally talented and distrusting of those talents; music came easily, so he made it harder. He'd create something beautiful, then distort it, stretch it, pull it, modulate it into something unexpected and anguished. He'd rattle off a brilliant riff only to play it on a detuned guitar.

Perhaps his most famous song, Big Star's "Thirteen," started as an experiment to write, sing, and play like a thirteen year-old. As if to give his muses a head start, to handicap his own success. His art was erratic, honest, scattered, beautiful, frustrating, challenging, and--when he'd finally give in--effortlessly brilliant. He had a #1 hit at age 16 (the only rocker that year to dethrone the Beatles), then spent much of his career battling the spotlight, as though he didn't trust anything that came so easily.

You can hear this conflict in his solo records. You can hear it in his raw, precociously soulful vocals in The Boxtops. You can hear it (perhaps best) in the enigmatic masterwork Third/Sister Lovers. You can hear it in his production credits for cacophonous, grungy, underground bands with few pop aspirations. Everyone has a favorite Alex Chilton, a stage of his career that they relate most to, a shade of the chameleon that looks most like them.

But my favorite Alex Chilton will always be Big Star.

If criticism is autobiography, I'll own up to mine: I write about Big Star not out of critical appreciation but out of unconditional, schoolyard love. It's the best kind of love, not for the music that enriches life, but for the rarest music that guides it, affects it, and becomes an irrevocable part of it. Ever since I met Big Star, they've affected my life. In fact, the story of #1 Record/Radio City has helped define my own.

My family moved from Memphis to Arkansas when I was in college. I'd grown up in Memphis; it was home, and one I loved. I didn't know Little Rock, and didn't know Nashville (yet), and was suddenly displaced from what I knew. I split time between three cities and the same 350 ugly miles of I40, and no place felt like home. Before one of those drives, sophomore year, I got #1 Record/Radio City. Like most skeleton keys, I don't know how I got it or who gave it to me. Probably my brother. It was just there one day, in my car. I hit play. I hit play for the next 400 miles, and then the next, and then the next.

I played it every time I crossed the De Soto bridge, heading west into Arkansas. The road's straight enough and the land's flat enough that you can watch the Memphis skyline recede behind you, inch at a time, drifting out of the rearview until only the Pyramid's silver apex remains. Then it sinks into the mud and grass and all that's left is sky. The bridge of "El Goodo" would harmonize "hold on," I'd fix my eyes forward and keep driving.

"Thirteen" played one night on a TV in a dark room. I'd fallen in love, or out of love (does it matter?) and heard it in the background as I washed dishes. I remember wishing I was thirteen again. I remember wishing I'd known the song when I was thirteen. I wanted to be thirteen when the song itself came out, picking out the chords in my bedroom before an unimpressed girl. I wanted to write something as simple and good as it was. I wanted to write something that could transport anyone of any age to that time and place where the world is small, and it's love and a record spinning.

Big Star kept playing.

"Watch the Sunrise" played in the spring mornings of 2006, driving around coffeehouses and barrooms of the South and Midwest, show to show, day after red-eyed day. One day after graduation a friend told me that "life starts now." He slapped the side of my car and took a deep breath; he looked happier than the world can afford, and "What's Going Ahn" rang through the background of my car. I wanted to turn it off, but couldn't.

In early 2007, I lost some love, some loved ones, some direction, some of myself. I didn't play "Try Again" those days, but didn't need to. It played in infinite repeat, the dual voices of the guitars sounding like a prayer and an answer.

Today, when something great just isn't right, I hear the opening chords of "September Gurls" and know I've been there before. I hear "I'm In Love With a Girl" all the time. Every time I am, or anyone is, or anyone should be. If I'm broke down, busted, defiant, nostalgic, euphoric, lonely, out of place, a December boy in a September world, I remember there was one before me, and millions just like me. It plays on and on and on. I hear it and know I'm not alone.

And what I'm trying to say is this: the music of Alex Chilton and Big Star has always been there for me. Some music--the best music--gives so much that you feel like you owe it something in return. In many ways, I owe Alex Chilton--and Dylan, and Lennon, and countless others--every time I write a song. I'm always trying to give something back, even if it's just a fraction of what I've received.

That, to me, is the defining quality of Alex Chilton's work with Big Star: it gives so much. We're told every day that the world is a selfish place. Co-workers look out for number one. Strangers are rude, thoughtless, and indifferent. Acquaintances are self-involved and dishonest. Friends are solipsistic, impatient. Loved ones can disappoint. We're told this constantly. It's in our punchlines, it's in our headlines, it's the unhappy ending of our most treasured movies. And yes, even our favorite artists (Alex Chilton included) can create selfish, alienating art, leaving the audience disconnected and alone. When it comes to love and music, it's easy to find the worst in people, to be let down, to have a bad day. It's so easy.

But Big Star just gives. They don't merely show a silver lining; sometimes, they create one. With every passing verse and refrain they give the listener more and more--commiseration, friendship, hope, love, and always beauty. These are songs that defiantly, convincingly remind us that we're not alone. They remind us that feeling alone is as universal as a schoolboy crush, or spending a Saturday night in the back of a car.

More than anything, that remains Big Star's legacy. It's what makes artists as disparate as REM and Butthole Surfers cite Big Star as a major influence. It's what will last long after its members are gone. It's music that becomes a part of us, and our collective story.

As for me, I'm alright. I'm typing in my apartment and it must be spring in New York, because I've opened the window. I haven't been home in a long time; it's been a while since I've seen that skyline sink into the rearview. I don't know when I'll get back again, and I miss it more than I can say. Sometimes we revisit a place, or a song, to re-experience our first love of it. We go back hoping to feel the same thing. Sometimes it works, and many times it doesn't. When I heard Alex Chilton died Wednesday night, I couldn't play his music. It would've sounded too much like home.

But I'm playing it now.