Prologue: We Play to a [Demented] Standard
Once more, with feeling. ICYM Part 1 & Part 2, I covered the offense & defense. For those I haven’t met, a few (abridged) groundrules for ACC refs to constantly flag:
1) I’m a singer/songwriter, not a football professional. I’m also a chronic Bama lunatic. What follows is not “music,” nor “writing,” but the incontinent howls of a madman.
2) As I insult hard-working, talented people I don’t know (“Someone get Keon Sabb a real estate license”), please keep in mind: I’m but a passionate fan and a jackass.
Onto Part 3: Extra Special Teams, Stray Thoughts, & Predictions!
Special Teams, If I Must
Kicker: Conor Talty, Lorcan Quinn (tr)
Remember the urban legend about Bloody Mary? If you say her name into a mirror 5 times, she appears behind you and murders your face? The less said about Bama’s special teams, the better.
In 2025, Conor Talty was a liability. At least he was a consummate teammate. What's that you say? I don’t condone booing your team when they make a mistake, and things got bad enough last year I started to feel for the guy. But if you’re duck-hooking your kicks into Dothan AND throwing your teammate under the bus, it’s time for a change.
Which is why Bama brought in Lorcan Quinn from Marshall-via-Ireland. If you’re wondering “how did Lorcan get from Ireland to Huntington,” buddy you’ve never been to West Virginia. The good news: they paid real money to bring in an excellent kicker and fix the problem.
Punter: Alex Asparuhov, Adam Watford (tr)
In 2025, punter Blake Doud was less-than-stellar. Which is why Bama brought in Adam Watford from North Alabama-via DII All-American honors. The good news: they paid real money to bring in an excellent punter and fix the problem.
In fairness, Asparuhov was a decorated recruit–he could be fine. Speaking of fairness, Special Teams Coach/Whose Nephew Is This Jay Nuñez just picked two of “his guys” over the transfers brought in to do the job. A fun reminder that when our kickers play, it isn’t a meritocracy. Play < vibes. And when the vibes are this bad, you simply have to double down. 2-D checkers, y’all.
Returners:
Have been nihilist performance art since the plague. According to KDB, “you’ll see a combination of Ryan Williams, Trae’shawn Brown, Dijon Lee and Rico Scott, more than likely.” You’ll see a combination of drives that start at the 15, more than probably.
FWIW: I like all those players! But you could put the lovechild of Usain Bolt and Mega Man back there and we’ll still sim-to-end every kick return.
Funwards & Upwards: Stray Thoughts
Coaches!
Offense: The DeBoer/Grubb tandem has a spotless record once they’ve settled into a program and gotten their guys. That starts in earnest this fall. Through two aftershock seasons, I think KDB’s done as good a job as I could reasonably expect. Year 2 was better than Year 1. Despite–or because of–offensive turnover, I believe Year 3 will be better than Year 2.
The question: what does “better” amount to, and is it enough?
Defense: I’ve loved the Kane Wommack tenure thus far. His hiring is arguably the best, most important decision DeBoer’s made since arriving in Tuscaloosa. This year, we’re playing the Swarm hits, plus a dash of press-man and (lord I’ve got the vapors) Saban’s match coverage.
I’m Chris Milam, and my sexual orientation is Dijon Lee atomizing bubble screens.
Favorite Players:
An enduring joy of college football–and life–is unsullied hope. Often, my favorite players are the ones who haven’t played yet. Here’s a quick list of personal faves & hopefuls for 2026.
Offense: Keelon Russell. Cal Poly (!) transfer center Racin Delgatty. RBs AK Dear, Trae’shawn Brown (fr), EJ Crowell (fr). Ryan Coleman-Williams (I’ll never quit you), Lottie, and Ced Morgan (freshman who not only looks like Julio 2.0 but has the plums to wear #8). Because I respect my elders (I don’t), Tight End Emeritus Danny Lewis.
Defense: London Simmons, STEVE (tr), Des Umeozulu (tr). I know Devan Thompkins is billed as the DLine’s star, but my hopes are currently too high. Yhonzae Pierre, Xavier Griffin (fr). Caleb Woodson (tr, Go Hokies). Zabien Brown, Dijon Lee, Bray Hubbard (aka The Holy Trinity). Ivan Taylor, Jireh Edwards (fr), Jorden Edmonds (fr), Dre Jr.
On that: Dre Kirkpatrick, Jr. is the son of (you guessed it) Bama legend Dre Kirkpatrick, which makes me 300 years old. Dre Sr. is one of my favorite college football players of all time, Bama or otherwise. He was too tall and too thin to move and hit like he did. He somehow played loose and pissed off at all times. He talked endless shit, endlessly backed it up, and made season-defining plays look effortless and inevitable. Dre Jr. lacks his dad’s frame and Round 1 talent, but he's got some juice and playmaking. He’s not a great player–sometimes he’s not even good--but he's a ball-hawk. Acknowledging a bad winter, hoping for a great fall.
Predictions!
East Carolina: W. Expecting a slow start, then Keelon fireworks.
At Kentucky: W. Don’t sleep on it, and don’t get injured.
Florida State: W. Gus Malzahn ain’t walking through that door.
South Carolina: W. But scary. How’s that OLine looking?
At Miss St: W. Though Bulldogs West might be the best team with a losing record in CFB.
Georgia: L. Kirby’s due in T-Town and UGA’s real good at football.
At Tennessee: W. If I even picture losing to UT, I’m not getting out of bed til Easter.
Texas A&M: W. Tons of talent, but the QB’s guilty til proven innocent.
At LSU: L. Red Stick’s always a nightmare, and Lane’s got one Malzahn-vs-Bama in him.
At Vandy: W. Diego Pavia’s corny ass ain’t walking through that (brass) door.
UTC: W. Tonight’s the night 2s become 1s. You’re goddamn right that’s a Spice Girls joke.
Auburn: W. When it’s not on The Plains, I’m sleeping better.
Overall:
I think they’ll lose 2 of the SC-UGA-UT-TAMU-LSU group, take your pick. 10-2 in the regular season.
Hoping they somehow miss the SECCG-turned-albatross. If not, revenge W over UGA.
Loss in the semifinals to (blind darts now) Miami.
I’d Settle For:
A return to ass-kicking. If they’re the more physical team in every game and still go 8-4, fine. Not *actually* fine, but that’s the devil I can live with.
Thus concludes your 2026 Unhinged Bama Preview! Have we learned anything? Of course not. Have we had fun? Sure! Are we ready for the season? Always.
As the man said: we Bama, that’s what we do.
Roll Tide,
C\m/
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