Prologue: We Play To A [Demented] Standard
Every August, I email my fellow Bama diehards a football season preview. They’ve never asked for this, nor replied. We all care deeply, but only I spend March hand-wringing about the left guard, so here I am and here I stay, self-appointed analyst-slash-circus-king.

Buoyed by fan enthusiasm (my brother suggested it once), this year’s preview is available to all. I’m a singer/songwriter, which means I’m a musician and a writer. This is neither “music” nor “writing,” so you’re welcome, I’m sorry.

Note Well, Aight?
1. I can’t stress this enough: I’ve never played football. I’m a self-educated lunatic, but “he ain’t played nobody” is valid and redundant. In my day/night job, I know what I’m doing. Here, to bastardize Truman Capote, I’m just typing.
2. I’m gonna say all kinds of words about college-age athletes. They’re also professionals. But keep in mind while I levee ad hominem attacks on people I don’t know (“Wilkin Formby plays like he claps on the 1 and the 3”), I’m the only actual jackass here.
3A. As this sport devolves into a microcosm of America’s most craven self, I still love it with my whole busted heart. And despite the worst intentions of some, it’s supposed to be fun, and holy heatstroke fuck, it still is.
3B. When T.J. Yeldon crossed the LSU goal line in 2012, I shot through the stratosphere. And right then, I learned that when I experience euphoria, I run. I don’t know why–I’m not a runner and actively hate jogging. But that night, I ran straight out the door and down the street, headed nowhere/heaven. I ran after 2nd & 26. I ran after Gravedigger. So yes, in the purest sense, I’m a Gump.

With that, your 2026 Alabama offense, position by position. Projected starters.

QB: Keelon Russell (1), Austin Mack (2), Jett Thomalla (3).
Further burying the lede, I overrate and underrate players based on names alone. Hence, the best player on earth is Ga’Quincy “Kool-Aid” McKinstry. Jett’s off to a decent start, whenever/wherever he may roam.

I feel for Austin Mack. He’s talented, he’s been a good soldier at Washington and Bama, and he deserves a chance to start somewhere. Unfortunately he’s backing up…

Keelon Russell, who’s the only thing that matters to me anymore. Not my job, not my friends, not dogs with 3 legs but extra heart. If this sounds like extreme praise for someone who’s never started a game before, welcome to college football! It’s a wet, wild catastrophe and Keelon Russell is something to believe in.

Jokes aside, he’s one of the highest-rated recruits in Bama history (!), and he’s probably the fulcrum of Kalen DeBoer’s tenure as coach. Keelon’s been his guy since signing day. If he underwhelms, Bama will (further?) slide into “competitive-but-not-contending” and KDB’s sitting on a toaster. If he’s as advertised, look out.

Offensive Line Starters: LT Jackson Lloyd, LG Mal Waldrep, C Racin Delgatty, RG Michael Carroll, RT Jayvin James.
Next Up: LG William Sanders, RT Nick Brooks, Other People
Coach: Replaced Chris Kapilovic with Adrian Klemm
Remember 5 seconds ago when I said Bama’s hopes likely hinge on the QB? Trick! Nothing of consequence will happen unless the OL is better. In what will be a theme, problems have been addressed. But are they fixed?

Departed OL coach Chris Kapilovic gave me the answer to a lifelong question: what if I won a contest and coached Alabama’s offensive line? I’m not saying he’s bad at coaching, I’m saying the offensive line was bad under his coaching, then got worse. Watching this position group in 2024 & 2025 was like…what’s a sex position even your genitals hate? So he’s gone (I personally pulled him out of Tuscaloosa on a rickshaw) and Klemm’s in. Addressed!

[In the category of “never-change lulz,” of course Auburn hired Chris Kapilovic.]

Only Michael Carroll returns from last year's starters, and he's very good. Conventional wisdom says replacing 4 starters is a problem, but the hope here is addition-by-subtraction. I'll need someone who didn't spend college with John Donne to check that math. Now we have seasoned transfers, and a 5-star LT, and a “best-five” approach in camp, giving them time to gel. Addressed!

Fixed? I mouth-barf when I think about it!

Running Backs: Daniel Hill, AK Dear, Kevin Riley, Trae’shawn Brown, EJ Crowell
Speaking of, my brother once got a sweet onion chicken teriyaki at Subway. When I asked how it was, he said it was “a bunch of nothing.” Welcome to recent Bama’s running game, a perennial swunjunyakibarf. Jam Miller (he of underused HOTNAME) eternally took 5 minutes to run 3 yards. Daniel Hill (whom I really want to like) was so confident in his talent he chose to play running back at 430 pounds.

Was the running game among the worst in college football because the offensive line was abysmal? Or because the RBs couldn’t make a play? Yes.

Enter AK Dear, who was awesome in camp before getting injured. Enter all-world freshman & return-to-RTDB-savior EJ Crowell, who gets nothing but hype from coaches, yet has missed spring and fall camp with injuries. My theory: he's a very committed performance artist. He's always about to rap.

Brown’s looked good. Dear will be back. Hill’s slimmed down. Addressed? Fixed? Does TJ Yeldon still have eligibility? He went to the NFL and is at LSU now?

Tight Ends: Forty White Guys and Kaleb Edwards
Shoutout departed Josh Cuevas, who did yeoman’s work the last few years. Edwards is a dangerous receiver but his blocking’s a work in progress. So is my dunking.

Marshall Pritchett, Jay Linday, and Josh Ford have all gotten off-season hype for their athleticism and physicality. Danny Lewis still has eligibility despite hosting John Hannah as a recruit. Keep showing up, king, you got squatters’ rights.

This season the tight ends will be more involved in the offense. Last season the tight ends will be more involved in the offense. In 1890 the tight ends will be more involved in the offense.

Wide Receivers: Ryan Coleman-Williams, Lotzier Brooks, Derek Meadows/Rico Scott
Next Up: Noah Rogers, Cedarian Morgan
Full disclosure: WRs and DBs are my favorite athletes in all of sports. What does this say about my particular worldview/pathology? Don’t worry about it! Everything I’m about to type comes with boundless love.

RCW’s just gotta catch the fucking ball this year. As a freshman, he was a comet, he was a miracle, and you bet your hot ass he sent me sprinting into the night. Then, as a sophomore, he was the Seinfeld reservation meme. You know how to take the football; you just don’t know how to hold the football.

Last fall, RCW broke my heart more than all my exes combined.

Seriously, this group has a chance to be special. Lottie Brooks is a megatalented teenager who shares a nickname with my Appalachian grandma. He emerged as a gamebreaker last year, something she could never do. Meadows is a matchup nightmare. Rico’s solid & feisty, transfer Noah Rogers Once Healthy (given name) is a 5-star talent. And all-everything freshman Ced Morgan dominated A-Day, looking like Julio Jr. in the process.

TLDR: So Quit Asking!
Problems have been addressed, TBD on solved. OL & RB are unfortunately guilty til proven innocent, but there’s reason for optimism. WR should be endlessly fun, and a QB who’s done nothing (yet) is my own personal Jesus.

Bama’s season likely depends on the offense, because when I think about the defense…

(Coming later this week: Part 2, Defense & Special Teams: Make Their Ass Quit)